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American Dream Serialization (Early Chapters)
Introduction to Jim Chaffee's Studies in Mathematical Pornography by Maurice Stoker
Introduction to Jim Chaffee's Studies in Mathematical Pornography by Tom Bradley
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: American Dream Title Page by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 1 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 2 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 3 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 4 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 5 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 6 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 7 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 8 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 9 by Jim Chaffee
01-01-2015
Modern Tragedy, or Parodies of Ourselves by Robert Castle
01-11-2014
Totally Enchanté, Dahling by Thor Garcia
01-04-2014
Hastini by Rudy Ravindra
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 5 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
01-01-2014
Unexpected Pastures by Kim Farleigh
10-01-2013
Nonviolence by Jim Courter
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 4 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
07-01-2013
The Poet Laureate of Greenville by Al Po
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part VI by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 3 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
04-01-2013
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part V by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part IV by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 2 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
01-01-2013
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part I by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part II by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part III by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 1 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
10-01-2012
DADDY KNOWS WORST: Clown Cowers as Father Flounders! by Thor Garcia
RESURRECTON: Excerpt from Breakfast at Midnight by Louis Armand
Review of The Volcker Virus (Donald Strauss) by Kane X Faucher: Excerpt from the forthcoming Infinite Grey by Kane X Faucher
01-07-2012
Little Red Light by Suvi Mahonen and Luke Waldrip
TEXECUTION: Klown Konfab as Killer Kroaked! by Thor Garcia
Miranda's Poop by Jimmy Grist
Paul Fabulan by Kane X Faucher: Excerpt from the forthcoming Infinite Grey by Kane X Faucher
01-04-2012
Operation Scumbag by Thor Garcia
Take-Out Dick by Holly Day
Patience by Ward Webb
The Moon Hides Behind a Cloud by Barrie Darke
The Golden Limo of Slipback City by Ken Valenti
01-01-2012
Chapter from The Infinite Atrocity by Kane X. Faucher
Support the Troops By Giving Them Posthumous Boners by Tom Bradley
01-10-2011
When Good Pistols Do Bad Things by Kurt Mueller
Corporate Strategies by Bruce Douglas Reeves
The Dead Sea by Kim Farleigh
The Perfect Knot by Ernest Alanki
Girlish by Bob Bartholomew
01-07-2011
The Little Ganges by Joshua Willey
The Invisible World: René Magritte by Nick Bertelson
Honk for Jesus by Mitchell Waldman
01-04-2011
Red's Dead by Eli Richardson
The Memphis Showdown by Gabriel Ricard
Someday Man by John Grochalski
01-01-2011
I Was a Teenage Rent-a-Frankenstein by Tom Bradley
Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Fred Bubbers
10-01-2010
Believe in These Men by Adam Greenfield
The Magnus Effect by Robert Edward Sullivan
Performance Piece by Jim Chaffee
07-01-2010
Injustice for All by D. E. Fredd
The Polysyllogistic Curse by Gary J. Shipley
How It's Done by Anjoli Roy
Ghost Dance by Connor Caddigan
Two in a Van by Pavlo Kravchenko
04-01-2010
Uncreated Creatures by Connor Caddigan
Invisible by Anjoli Roy
One of Us by Sonia Ramos Rossi
Storyteller by Alan McCormick
01-01-2010
Idolatry by Robert Smith
P H I L E M A T O P H I L I A by Traci Chee
They Do! by Al Po
Full TEX Archive
Side Photo for The Big Stupid Review

Constitutional Puppies

By J.R.

squash blossom

"Yup."

It was mainly said to himself, just to hear a voice in the room, but he felt that he should say something. It definitely wasnít directed at Professor Graber; although Graber was amicable enough, irreverent throwaway lines didnít seem befitting of his reputation. If Roger had Graberís stature, he wouldnít be spending it helping his students get into law school, heíd be demanding that his monument be elaborate enough to require some construction workers to die during its construction.

But he knew Graber was great because he would have no interest in hagiography. Bart Barber, a professor who eclipsed Graber in international notoriety but definitely not in pedagogical importance, was like a human who aspired to be a god: he needed the attention and admiration of his peers and underlings to appreciate his achievement. Graber was just beyond all of that; he was like Zeus on top of the mountain.

Roger, of course, would never tell that to Graber, especially because the analogy might not even be accurate. (Barber may have mentioned that the Greek Gods still needed the affections of the mortals in "Ancient and Modern Philosophy," but it was testament to Barberís shittiness that such information wasnít retained).

Roger had followed Graber like he requested, and they had reached their destination some time ago: the "experiment" room. This room had the sterile scent of other rooms associated with government and politics research: the fidgety but resigned presence of studentsí bottled energy, the scent of time dying slowly.

There were no computers in the room. Good, no staring at a screen, no disconnect between Graber and himself.

But with no computers, what would this experiment be about? A focus sample? A census survey? What experiment could a government and politics professoróa Constitutional Law Professor, mind youóperform without a computer simulation?

And why did he need to sign that waiver?

Graber returned from the back of the room.

Then he turned his back on Roger and started writing on a clipboard.

Graber spoke:

"Did you hear the news? Three hundred and sixty-five people died yesterday in a plane crash over Brazil. Itís horrible, isnít it? Things like this; just wiped out. Everyone aboard died."

Roger didnít respond. First, because his initial response was to say "one for every day of the year." Second, because Professor Graber still faced the wall.

Well, saying something is better than nothing.

"Thatís horrible," he offered.

Next to Graber was something Roger had overlooked; it looked like an unopened package of printer paper, but it had a little red gumball in the center.

squash blossom

Professors donít bring up tragedies unless their segueing, so Roger went along: "Do they know why? I mean, did the fuel tank explode, or something? Or…" (he hung on that last syllable for so long it almost felt disrespectful)…did they hit, hit, I donít know, turbu…turbulence." His voice trailed off like a beaten puppy.

He then thought—moron—this is a constitutional law experiment, so the answer was invariably going to be terrorism.

But he hadnít heard anything on the news about a plane crash (although, truth be told, he never did read the news daily, despite Barberís failed attempt in Government 100: Introduction to the Principles of Government to make a newspaper and a journal of opinion mandatory daily reading).

Then he thought, maybe—moron—this being an experiment, there was no plane crash.

Then he thought that maybe Graber is moonlighting for the psychiatry department, and the test is really about student uneasiness and self-doubt in front of authority figures.