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American Dream Serialization (Early Chapters)
Introduction to Jim Chaffee's Studies in Mathematical Pornography by Maurice Stoker
Introduction to Jim Chaffee's Studies in Mathematical Pornography by Tom Bradley
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: American Dream Title Page by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 1 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 2 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 3 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 4 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 5 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 6 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 7 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 8 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 9 by Jim Chaffee
01-01-2015
Modern Tragedy, or Parodies of Ourselves by Robert Castle
01-11-2014
Totally Enchanté, Dahling by Thor Garcia
01-04-2014
Hastini by Rudy Ravindra
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 5 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
01-01-2014
Unexpected Pastures by Kim Farleigh
10-01-2013
Nonviolence by Jim Courter
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 4 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
07-01-2013
The Poet Laureate of Greenville by Al Po
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part VI by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 3 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
04-01-2013
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part V by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part IV by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 2 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
01-01-2013
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part I by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part II by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part III by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 1 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
10-01-2012
DADDY KNOWS WORST: Clown Cowers as Father Flounders! by Thor Garcia
RESURRECTON: Excerpt from Breakfast at Midnight by Louis Armand
Review of The Volcker Virus (Donald Strauss) by Kane X Faucher: Excerpt from the forthcoming Infinite Grey by Kane X Faucher
01-07-2012
Little Red Light by Suvi Mahonen and Luke Waldrip
TEXECUTION: Klown Konfab as Killer Kroaked! by Thor Garcia
Miranda's Poop by Jimmy Grist
Paul Fabulan by Kane X Faucher: Excerpt from the forthcoming Infinite Grey by Kane X Faucher
01-04-2012
Operation Scumbag by Thor Garcia
Take-Out Dick by Holly Day
Patience by Ward Webb
The Moon Hides Behind a Cloud by Barrie Darke
The Golden Limo of Slipback City by Ken Valenti
01-01-2012
Chapter from The Infinite Atrocity by Kane X. Faucher
Support the Troops By Giving Them Posthumous Boners by Tom Bradley
01-10-2011
When Good Pistols Do Bad Things by Kurt Mueller
Corporate Strategies by Bruce Douglas Reeves
The Dead Sea by Kim Farleigh
The Perfect Knot by Ernest Alanki
Girlish by Bob Bartholomew
01-07-2011
The Little Ganges by Joshua Willey
The Invisible World: René Magritte by Nick Bertelson
Honk for Jesus by Mitchell Waldman
01-04-2011
Red's Dead by Eli Richardson
The Memphis Showdown by Gabriel Ricard
Someday Man by John Grochalski
01-01-2011
I Was a Teenage Rent-a-Frankenstein by Tom Bradley
Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Fred Bubbers
10-01-2010
Believe in These Men by Adam Greenfield
The Magnus Effect by Robert Edward Sullivan
Performance Piece by Jim Chaffee
07-01-2010
Injustice for All by D. E. Fredd
The Polysyllogistic Curse by Gary J. Shipley
How It's Done by Anjoli Roy
Ghost Dance by Connor Caddigan
Two in a Van by Pavlo Kravchenko
04-01-2010
Uncreated Creatures by Connor Caddigan
Invisible by Anjoli Roy
One of Us by Sonia Ramos Rossi
Storyteller by Alan McCormick
01-01-2010
Idolatry by Robert Smith
P H I L E M A T O P H I L I A by Traci Chee
They Do! by Al Po
Full TEX Archive
Side Photo for The Big Stupid Review

Swearing: A Bedtime Story

By John Grolchalski

woodpecker

I was putting the kid to bed. The eight-year-old. He was my Brother's kid. We were in his bedroom and the floor was covered with Legos and Star Wars shit. The TV was on and Junior was on the bed, his pajamas half on, and his eyes glued to the video game screen. I hated video games. They rotted brains. But what did I really know? I was a no good drunk living with his relatives. I suppose everyone has a vice. In truth, I liked mine. I actually wanted to get back to my beer as soon as I cleaned the room and got that kid into bed. If only he'd go to bed.

"You care to help?" I asked, looking down at the carnage of toys. The kid had too many toys.

No answer.

"Hey, I'm talking to you."

"I know."

"Then answer me. Don't your parents teach you any manners?"

Junior sighed. "I just want to finish this level, Uncle Ray."

"Fine," I answered. I gave up. I let the little bastard play his video game while I cleaned the room. When it was spotless I went back down to the living room and had some beer.

"I'm ready for bed now!" Junior shouted.

I took a long pull on my beer. "Good. Then go to sleep."

"I need a story and a tuck-in!"

"A what?"

"Uncle Ray, you know mommy and daddy read me a story every night, and then they tuck me in."

"Do they make you clean up your own room, too?" I asked.

"Come on."

"I'm coming." So I took a last pull on my beer, draining the whole bottle, and climbed wearily back up the stairs.

woodpecker

Junior was in his bed but the overhead light was on, and so was the TV. I shut the light off and made the kid put on his lamp. I shut the idiot box off, too. I should've thrown it out the window. What eight-year-old has a TV in their room? My brother was a goddamned pushover and his kid was an albatross. I had a so-so relationship with both. Mostly I thought my brother was a money-grubbing shell of a man who worked for the government and his kid was a functioning illiterate who pounded his head into walls to stave off boredom and the demons trying to contact him from beyond. The kid would probably grow up to kill someone. What a family! They were the picture of suburban, consumerist gloom. I didn't like my brother's wife either.

"Okay," I said looking around at the job I did on the room. "What are we reading?"

Junior pulled a picture book out from under his sheet and handed it to me.

"Jerkov and the Six Hoodlums," I said. "Never heard of it."

"Medusa wrote it," Junior said. "She's this singer my mom likes."

"I know who Medusa is."

"Do you like Medusa?" Junior asked.

"No."

"Oh."

"Anyway, do I have to read this? I mean, don't you have any other books?" I went over to the bookshelf next to Junior's bed. It was filled with tons of picture books and a few intermediary books like Harry Potter, shit the kid would probably never read once the video games took his mind completely. I put the Medusa book back and pulled out another. It was written by an actor from a famous sitcom. I put it back and tried again. The next book was worse. A comedian past his prime had written it. A talk show host wrote the one after that and the book after that was written by a jock. "Shit, kid. Your books are terrible. Don't you have anything good? Where's the Frances? Where are Harold and his purple goddamned crayon?"

Junior's eyes bugged out of his head. "You owe me two quarters!"

"Fifty cents?" I gave up and put the last book back and sat down on Junior's bed, defeated. "What do I owe you two quarters for?"

"You said two swear words. You said the S-word, and then you took the Lord's name in vain."

I thought for a second. "I guess I did. But I'm not giving you a dime let alone fifty cents." Junior frowned. "Go ahead and be pissy. That sort of extortion might work on your folks, but I'm a real adult and I don't let little kids take money from me. Plus it's my right to swear now that I'm grown. You'll learn as an adult you don't have many more rights than you did when you were a kid. You gotta grab what you can. Besides kid, I need my money. We can't all be like your daddy and have big homes and government jobs."

"What's a government job?" The kid asked.

"Never mind," I said. "We got bigger issues at hand. We got no story to read. I didn't bring anything with me and I can't read any of your books."

"Why?"

"I have standards and discretion."

"What're those?"

I looked at Junior's bookshelf. "Two things your mommy and daddy might need if they're going to continue to buy you things. If you were my kid your shelves would be filled with all the greats. You'd have Dahl and C.S. Lewis. I'd buy you Charlotte's Web. And then I'd have Hamsun and Hemingway just waiting in the wings for when you got older. I'd even read you Huck Finn."

"I already saw the Huckleberry Finn Disney movie," Junior said.

"I figured you did."

The kid frowned. "Mommy doesn't like the book because it says bad things about black people in it."

woodpecker