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The Big Stupid Review


American Dream Serialization (Early Chapters)
Introduction to Jim Chaffee's Studies in Mathematical Pornography by Maurice Stoker
Introduction to Jim Chaffee's Studies in Mathematical Pornography by Tom Bradley
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: American Dream Title Page by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 1 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 2 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 3 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 4 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 5 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 6 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 7 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 8 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 9 by Jim Chaffee
Modern Tragedy, or Parodies of Ourselves by Robert Castle
Totally Enchanté, Dahling by Thor Garcia
Hastini by Rudy Ravindra
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 5 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
Unexpected Pastures by Kim Farleigh
Nonviolence by Jim Courter
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 4 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
The Poet Laureate of Greenville by Al Po
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part VI by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 3 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part V by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part IV by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 2 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part I by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part II by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part III by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 1 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
DADDY KNOWS WORST: Clown Cowers as Father Flounders! by Thor Garcia
RESURRECTON: Excerpt from Breakfast at Midnight by Louis Armand
Review of The Volcker Virus (Donald Strauss) by Kane X Faucher: Excerpt from the forthcoming Infinite Grey by Kane X Faucher
Little Red Light by Suvi Mahonen and Luke Waldrip
TEXECUTION: Klown Konfab as Killer Kroaked! by Thor Garcia
Miranda's Poop by Jimmy Grist
Paul Fabulan by Kane X Faucher: Excerpt from the forthcoming Infinite Grey by Kane X Faucher
Operation Scumbag by Thor Garcia
Take-Out Dick by Holly Day
Patience by Ward Webb
The Moon Hides Behind a Cloud by Barrie Darke
The Golden Limo of Slipback City by Ken Valenti
Chapter from The Infinite Atrocity by Kane X. Faucher
Support the Troops By Giving Them Posthumous Boners by Tom Bradley
When Good Pistols Do Bad Things by Kurt Mueller
Corporate Strategies by Bruce Douglas Reeves
The Dead Sea by Kim Farleigh
The Perfect Knot by Ernest Alanki
Girlish by Bob Bartholomew
The Little Ganges by Joshua Willey
The Invisible World: René Magritte by Nick Bertelson
Honk for Jesus by Mitchell Waldman
Red's Dead by Eli Richardson
The Memphis Showdown by Gabriel Ricard
Someday Man by John Grochalski
I Was a Teenage Rent-a-Frankenstein by Tom Bradley
Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Fred Bubbers
Believe in These Men by Adam Greenfield
The Magnus Effect by Robert Edward Sullivan
Performance Piece by Jim Chaffee
Injustice for All by D. E. Fredd
The Polysyllogistic Curse by Gary J. Shipley
How It's Done by Anjoli Roy
Ghost Dance by Connor Caddigan
Two in a Van by Pavlo Kravchenko
Uncreated Creatures by Connor Caddigan
Invisible by Anjoli Roy
One of Us by Sonia Ramos Rossi
Storyteller by Alan McCormick
Idolatry by Robert Smith
P H I L E M A T O P H I L I A by Traci Chee
They Do! by Al Po
Full TEX Archive
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By Ward Webb

"You're going to keep on and on like that until you get us in trouble. I told you thirty minutes ago you have to be stop bellowing or they'll call the cops on us. You're being an asshole. Stop it. Don't get us throw out of line. We've waited too long, just like you said."

"I'm sick of it. They shouldn't make people wait like this. It's a fucking park, you know?"

"I know. But still."

"I hate this city. I hate everything about it and everyone who lives here."

"Move home then."

"I hate home but I mostly hate lines. I hate the people and I hate standing in line everywhere I go."

"It's moving, see? Stop bitching."

"Yeah, two feet closer isn't going to make me feel any better Mom. Thanks for trying though. I should have just stayed home and let you do this alone."

"It's just you and me now."

"Yeah. No one else wanted any part of this line."

"It's not that bad."

"It's horrible. I'm losing a huge chunk of my life standing here like this behind this woman who smells like pepper. Are you really sure you want to do this today? We can always come back."

"Oh stop it. No, it has to be today. Today is the only day I have. Tomorrow I'll be gone."

"But it's taking so long. Wouldn't you rather go do something else? Don't you feel like you're losing precious time just standing here like this? We could be doing a zillion other things right now, instead we're just standing here with our thumbs up our asses."

"It doesn't bother me at all."

"It bothers me. It's driving me insane."

"I know."

"What time is it now?"

"3:49. Three minutes since you asked me the last time. That's more annoying than the wait, if you ask me."

"This is ridiculous. They should limit the amount of time people can spend in there if they expect everyone to stand in lines like this. Why did we even bother booking tickets if they were just going to get us into this line?"

"Because without tickets we wouldn't even be allowed in line. You did good. I'm excited, aren't you?"

"I was a half hour ago. Now I just have to pee and my back hurts. I'm hungry. It's hot. These people all smell funny and keep looking at me like I'm insane. We should have done this on a rainy day. At least there would be no line. Then my back wouldn't be biting at me."

"They have benches inside the park. We can sit down once we're in there."

"By that time they'll be rushing us out to close the damn place up. Oh look, we're sliding forward another three inches. I'm going to update my Facebook status."

"Don't be like that. You're so impatient. You've turned into a New Yorker."

"No I haven't. It's the opposite. I was patient and understanding before I got here. New York turned me into a loud-mouthed, racist asshole and like a true New Yorker, I don't give a fuck either way."

"You're getting kind of loud again son."

"I don't care about that either. I just want to get off this ride. Standing and shuffling isn't my thing. I'm going to tap dance. Maybe I can get some dollars or something to make this worthwhile."

"What is your thing? Tap dancing?"

"I don't know. I don't think I have a thing, but if I did it wouldn't be standing. It would be something cool like biking or base jumping, swimming and canoing. I like activities. I can't stand shit like this. You know it drives me nuts."

"It'll be over soon and you'll always have the memory of our time together in such an important place. We can take pictures."

"You're kidding me, right?"


"You should be. That was disgusting. I'm stuck in the sappiness. What time is it?"


"Oh God, it's like even time has stopped moving. I'm going to die. I'm going to curl into a tiny ball over there by that fat woman's cankles and just die. Deader than hell. I hope you're happy with your decision. You child-killer."

"Hush. She heard you."

"You think she doesn't know about those cankles? You can't have three pounds of meat dangling off your legs and not know about it, Mom. What?"

"You're impossible. It's amazing someone hasn't slugged you yet. I'm not going to stop them if they try either."

"It's okay. I'm fast and wiry, like a bolt of lightning. I'm invincible like Billie Jean. Fair is fair Mr. Potter!"

"See? You go jumping all around like that and you'll hit someone else. Now stand still and act right. You're embarrassing me."

"I'm sorry. I just wish we could go. We are young! Heartache to heartache, we stand! No promises, no demands."

"We will soon. We're moving slowly, see? It's not just a standstill anymore."

"Yeah this is a little better. There's a corner coming up soon. Should I get excited about a corner? Lemme post that on Facebook too."

"It might not hurt."

"That's one amazing fucking corner isn't it? I'm glad I waited an hour in line to see that thing. I feel changed now. My life is complete. I have a whole new outlook on things because I got to see the corner of that building. God. Epiphany time. Whew. My mind is blown right now. Let's go home."

"Just stop it, it's not that bad."

"It's pretty horrible."

"Be patient."

"Leave me alone, Mom. I'm trying to breathe. I'm dying here."

"What's wrong? Why can't you breathe? You catching a cold?"

"No. That woman smells positively cancerous. Her noxious stench is making my eyes water and causing my bronchial tubes to clench up. It's bad. Oh Lord. Here comes the corner. Maybe there will be a breeze that'll air this stank out a little bit before I'm asphyxiated from the fumes."

"You're embarrassing me again. Keep your voice down. I'm sorry ma'am. He didn't mean anything. He's just cranky."

"I'm cranky and starving."

"I told you. Now see what you did? Everyone is glaring at you."

"Remember that part where I said I didn't give a fuck? Yeah. Refer back to that. Nothing has changed since then but the corner."

"You have a filthy mouth. I didn't raise you to talk like that."

"I know. I blossomed didn't I? Aren't you proud?"

"It could be worse, I reckon."

"Don't say reckon, someone might steal your purse."

"Good point. Oh look! You can see the fountain through the fence from here."

"Sweet God I could see the fountains from TV yesterday! They need to hustle this shit along before my face explodes. My blood pressure is boiling."

"Oh it is not. You're perfectly healthy."

"Don't curse me like that. What's wrong with you. I'm trying to die here."

"Who's that man with the scanner?"

"How should I know? Maybe he can get us in faster. Get your ticket stub out. Maybe he's going to scan it."

"No, he's checking people for weapons."

"Right, well they should probably do that a fifteenth time. Makes me feel safer and nothing like I'm entering Nazi occupied Berlin. Nah. Yes sir those are my keys. No sir, that's my penis."

"We're traveling and came to see the memorial, sir. He's just tired of waiting. He didn't mean anything."

"He doesn't care. He's gone. Stop talking to him or he'll come back and try to grope my crotch again. I saw the lust in his eye. Don't make him violate me like that Mom. What's wrong with you? Pervert."

"Oh there's that museum thing. We can get into there, can't we?"

"We fucking better be able to. I'd like to see someone try and stop me after standing me in this line like a cow-waiting-for-the-slaughter for three weeks of my life. Dear Lord I should have brought a book, a toilet and some McDonalds."

"You're doing it again. Keep your voice down."

"I didn't intend on stopping."

"I know."

"Here we go. That's better. Do the hustle!"

"I told you it wouldn't last forever. Now look how pretty everything is. Didn't they do a nice job in here? See? It was worth the wait now that you're inside, wasn't it?"

"Yes. But they had ten years. My God. There should be a band and an orgasm machine at the door after that kind of wait."

"Oh my God, don't talk like that in a place like this! It's a sacred, sad place. Don't be crude, you're from a good family. Now act like it."

"I can't help it, but I'll try to choke it back. I'm going to find a bathroom before I wet my pants. It's getting hard to ignore."

"Don't get lost. I'll stand right here and wait for you."

"Sit over there on the bench. You've stood up long enough. Go rest your feet."

"There's a black man over there looking kind of funny. I'll just stand here in the sun. Hurry up and pee so we can go inside the museum."

"Mom, just go sit down."

"Go pee."

"Sit down."


"Okay, but go sit down."

"I will as soon as you're gone. Go so we can go. I'm going to leave you. I'm going to disappear and you'll never see me again if you don't just go pee."

"I doubt that. I'll be right back. Wait here. I'll find you."

"You got your phone?"

"Yeah. I'm just going to the bathroom. It's ten feet away."

"Okay I'll call you if I get lost."

"Well don't move."

"Okay go pee."

"Okay, I'm trying."

"That didn't take long."

"I'm a fast pisser. Let's get out of this heat. The entrance is right over here, I think."

"We should have gotten a map."

"A map of what? It's a fucking square box. I don't need a map."

"Watch that mouth. I told you. Sacred. Somber. Sad."

"Sorry Mom. There's the door."

"Oh look at all the people waiting to get in."

"You gotta be kidding me. Okay nevermind the museum. Let's just look at the fountains and go somewhere less crowded. This shit is getting me all twitchy."

"No sir. Not after waiting all that time. I want to see everything. I'm going to look at every inch of this memorial."

"Just not the rest of the city."

"Smart ass, come on it's not that long of a wait to get in. See? That sign says five to ten minutes. Just calm yourself down. You don't have anywhere to be. Stop acting like you do."

"I'm an important person. It's hard being me."

"So you say. Gosh feel that air."

"It's like the icy breath of God."

"I can't wait to be in there. You said they have a lot of stuff?"

"I think they have the bulk of it, yes. I don't know though. The website is pretty sparse on information about what exactly is inside. We'll see, won't we?"

"Yes we will. We should have brought your brother. He needs to see this."

"He'd have killed someone in that line. We can bring him when it's not so crowded."

"You're right. I hope he's not lost."

"He's at my apartment. How would he be lost? Where would he be lost?"

"He's probably left to go wander around. You boys never listen. There's no telling where he probably is. Halfway on the other side of Queens getting chased by a gang of Puerto Ricans or something. Y'all worry me to death. You never listen to a word I've said."

"You taught us not to."

"I know."

"Oh sorry. Sorry. Watch it Godzilla. Mom, move. They're leaving and taking all ninety of their children with them. They can't stand the wait either. I'm not the only one."

"That's more like it now. Here we go. Moving right along!"

"It's almost too cold in here and the air smells weird. What is that? It's like…a chemically stench. Why does everything have to stink so bad at this place? Seriously."

"I should have worn a jacket."

"In August? You'd have melted out there and hated hauling it around with you all day."


"It's cold, look there are the photographs I saw on the news. I told you about this. Ghastly. Who wants to see that? It's too much really. They should be more considerate. Kids are coming in this fucking place."

"Isn't it just all so sad?"

"It's pretty. I like the lighting."

"All those people lost in that horrible day. So many families ruined and scarred forever. They'll never get them back. It's hard to even imagine."

"But it's nicely done. This is a nice memorial. They did a good job."

"I still can't believe it all happened. I wish it didn't happen in my lifetime. It's the most historic event any of us will ever experience. It's a great and awful thing."

"I can't believe it took us that long to get in. Do you think they have a cafeteria or something in here where we can get a drink or hot dog or something? I'm a little peckish."

"Isn't that awful. Look here. It's a little boy's picture. His Mama is out there somewhere right now. Can you even imagine? Oh my."

"Yeah. Everyone died. I think there are pieces of the buildings somewhere up ahead. I'm going to find a diagram of the floorplan and see what's here. I saw a stack by the door."

"A map?"

"Yeah. I'll be right back. Wait here. They have a desk over there behind that plant. Don't read too much. This is all too sad. We have to find hot dogs. I'm starving."


"Read this: To my beloved daughter Rachel…"

"Oh God don't read that to me. It's too sad. Let's find the food court. I got a map and there are four levels to this thing. We have to go down to the very bottom. The food's down low."

"Let's go slowly and look at everything."

"I'm starving. I'll run ahead and get us a place. There's probably a line down there too. I'll spare you all that. You look around and meet me at the bottom. See? It's right there in the middle. You can't miss me once you get there. Have fun."


"I don't like all this tragic, sad stuff. I don't want to see it. It's too much. I'll get you a hot dog."

"It's okay. I know. It is. Really. Thank you."

"An eight dollar hot dog? You're kidding me. You didn't have to buy me one!"

"Mom, you have to be hungry. Stop complaining and eat your boutique weiner. Gucci dog. Prada pooch. Recycled animal parts at premium retail prices. You want some three dollar mustard?"

"You're stupid. Stop it or I'll choke."

"They'll add you to the wall upstairs."

"Oh that's awful. Hush. I can't believe you said that. That's just wrong."


"What do you want to do after this?"

"Well we still have to see everything. I want to see that cross thing they showed on TV after it all fell down. That's supposed to be here somewhere. I missed it all. I found a sweet elevator. We'll go find that after we finish our snack."

"We? Ain't no 'we' about it. I just saw it all on my way down. You were the one that went running ahead in your quest for food. You should have been patient and waited. You said you didn't even want to see it. Too sad."

"We can go see everything after we eat."

"I'm not suffering through that again. We have to leave after this. They have an exit over there. I saw the sign. You can come back some other time. After this — we have to go."

"So what now?"

"You tell me. You're the city boy. I'm just tagging along. What do you want to do with your poor, tired, old Mama?"

"We should go back home."

"To your house?"

"To my apartment, yeah."

"You don't have to correct me all the time. It's the same damn thing."

"Well we can pick up…"

"We can pick up your brother and then maybe find something for dinner near your house. There are so many choices I wanted to look at. We can walk around there, is that what you were thinking?"

"That's what I was thinking."

"Sounds like a good plan. What kind of restaurant are we going to go to? What do you have a taste for?"

"Somewhere that doesn't have a line."

"In this city?"

"I know."

© Ward Webb 2012